


I loved, and I loved, and I lost you

by ashintuku



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, Force Visions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-10
Updated: 2016-10-10
Packaged: 2018-08-21 17:39:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8254634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashintuku/pseuds/ashintuku
Summary: Rey never told Skywalker the secrets of the blue lightsabre.





	

Rey never told Skywalker the secrets of the blue lightsabre. 

He made her use it, to practice and learn the weight and feel of it; curled her fingers around the age-worn metal and gave her a tired, tired smile while saying 'use it, you found it, it responds to you, use it'. And she looked at him, wide-eyed and unsure, wondering if he knew that the lightsabre was covered in the blood of children and innocents along with enemies of a decades-dead Republic. 

When she held it, she saw its histories; saw Skywalker and Vader fight on the catwalk of the city in the clouds; saw Old Ben Kenobi gripping its worn metal with the intense, ferocious sadness of a grieving brother and father and friend. 

She saw Anakin Skywalker, the boy, the man, the mess; saw his golden eyes and his breaking, aching heart and the tears he cried as he cut through apprentices and younglings and little ones who hadn't even had the chance to go to their first classes. Saw the way he retched outside of a burning Temple from the city that covered the entire planet; saw the way no one came to his aid, no clone in blue at his side, and he clenched his fists and stood firm and bared his teeth in defiance. 

Rey never told Skywalker about the woman with his chin and his mouth and his kindness. 

She laced through the memories of Anakin, delicate and frail but strong; steel covered in silk, one hand offering support while the other held a blaster, ready for a betrayal. She wore extravagant gowns and simple slacks; her hair twisted in ropes and braids and threaded through head pieces more complicated than the engine of a Y-wing. She had gentle eyes and a brave smile and a strong jaw that, when set just right, was General Organa in a different face. 

Padmé. Anakin's beloved Padmé, the woman he broke every rule for. Memories of rescues, of battles where they ran to each other; of viruses and kidnappings, near-death and quiet wedding ceremonies and silent anniversaries. Hands held in dark corridors; meet-ups in apartments that no one else knew about. 

The memory of the happiness and horror of pregnancy, and the nightmares that followed. Nightmare after nightmare until it consumed him completely, and he turned to the one ally who seemed to be giving him answers; and his once-warm eyes turned cold yellow-gold and he nearly choked Padmé to death. 

She never told Skywalker about the visions she saw, practising with his father's lightsabre, when Old Ben Kenobi, Obi-Wan, then, young and worn and tired, carried the blade. Didn't tell him about the visions of sweet, beloved, important Padmé screaming in the birthing room, her energy being sucked away; two children, singing with the Force, cradled in a medi-droid's arms. Didn't tell him how Obi-Wan held her hand as she told him 'there's still _good_ in him, there is, I know it'. Didn't tell him how Obi-Wan watched her die, and in his grief made perhaps the best decision and worst mistake of his entire life. 

She didn't tell him how Old Ben was the first one to hold him in his afterbirth, his father a ruin in a mask and his mother a pale shade of what she had been in life. Didn't tell him how Luke and Leia clung to each other's hands until Bail Organa took Leia and Old Ben swaddled Luke and separated them for the first time in their short existence. 

Rey never told Skywalker about the histories of the blue lightsabre. 

She didn't want to break his heart any more than it already was.

**Author's Note:**

> Padmé Amidala is so important and I am forever mad about her treatment in the movies and in _general_.


End file.
